Things have really been coming together for me since my last blog post. I've been seeing a therapist and that has really been opening doors in my mind and turning on lights that needed to be turned on. Since coming to the realization that I binge eat, I've been taking some measures to watch myself so I don't go into a frenzy like I normally do.
I've mentioned before that I'm petrified of death, and even more so, I've been afraid of dropping dead due to a heart attack because of my size and that's caused me so much anxiety. I was constantly living in a state of quiet panic. I have friends who I turn to when I'm freaking out and they calm me down, but I stopped going to them because I don't want to burden them anymore.
The biggest reason that I was so nervous is because I was uncertain what was going on with my body. I didn't know where my blood pressure was, I didn't know about my cholesterol or anything. For all I knew my arteries were clogged horribly and I was one cheeseburger away from the underworld.
Now..I know what you're thinking..Go to the hospital and get that shit checked out! The reason I haven't is because I haven't had insurance and I already have thousands of dollars in medical bills, some of which were really expensive freak outs.
Well now I DO have insurance and I wanted the whole 9 yards. They tested my blood pressure, which is okay. My cholesterol came back normal as well. I admitted to the doctor my fears, and she told me that my blood pressure is fine, my cholesterol is fine, she gave me a physical and I'm still young and I've never smoked..I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. Aside from my obesity, I'm really not what she considers at risk.
I felt like Atlas, being burdened with holding the sky up, and someone came and took over for me. I was happy. I wasn't as close to death as I thought I was. I felt renewed and rejuvenated. I felt positive.
The doctor put me in touch with a nutritionist doctor, which I saw yesterday and we talked and it felt good to talk to someone in such a real way. I'm not counting calories, and I don't have to do that to be healthy. We are starting with baby steps. First of which is making sure I'm physically active every day. I've been assigned a 10 minute walk each day with my lovely dog. I'm also supposed to make sure I'm eating smaller portions and eat more frequently so the urge to binge isn't there from waiting.
I'm taking small steps towards a new lifestyle, and I'm going to do better because I know I can. I feel like I've been given a gift, and I'm going to make it count by changing my life.
I feel better now. Between seeing my dietician and my therapist, I can work on my mind and body and be the me that I am inside. It's like the dark clouds have parted and life can be good again.
